How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
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christening a ship with an overripe banana
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Hank is one in a melon.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger