Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
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Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?