I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.