talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
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Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not