Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
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Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
no their not
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
I have so many questions.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
i want the dreams to chase me for once
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!