10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?

Me: Sure, what flavor?

10: Swordmint


10: Sharpmint



Me: Spearmint?

10: YES!


[at a fall festival]

Him: you look gourdgeous

Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*

Him: please don’t leaf


[at a restaurant]

SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.

ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.


Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶

Friend: Cry

Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶


[in music class]

Teacher: Be sure to take good notes

Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?


*doorbell rings*

me: go away I’m social distancing

voice: pizza delivery

me: *opens door*

COVID19: hehe, got’em


Me: BEAN!!! Come here!

9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public

Me: Beanie Baby?

D: Mom. No.

Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-

D: MOM!!!


What I said: No

What I meant: No

What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.