My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
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“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
honestly, i need both:
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.