Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
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Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.