Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
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Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.