Torturer: you shock him this time

Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle

Torturer: no not— wait really


Me: hold on are you—

roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:

Me:—Bob Ross?


Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?

Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan


Date: OMG yay there are 11 nuggets in my 10 piece

Me: [winking as I lock eyes with Genie I met last night] wow really?


School Review Board: you only want pure blood children to attend?

Salazar Slytherin: that is true.

School Review Board: and you have a room with a giant snake that attacks children?

Salazar Slytherin: also true.

School Review Board: *stamp* approved


[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts


Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible

Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..

Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really


Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i

Other Titanic lookout: hmmm


Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—

Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird