Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Date: OMG yay there are 11 nuggets in my 10 piece
Me: [winking as I lock eyes with Genie I met last night] wow really?
School Review Board: you only want pure blood children to attend?
Salazar Slytherin: that is true.
School Review Board: and you have a room with a giant snake that attacks children?
Salazar Slytherin: also true.
School Review Board: *stamp* approved
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird