DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
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Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.