You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
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What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
2022 be like
I only treason on days ending in y
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.