Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
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Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.