Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
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inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
do what now??