“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
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You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN