What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
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wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
is this how new cars are made??
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.