My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
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Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
#parenting
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.