Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
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He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.