There’s a guy working in the food industry whose sole purpose is to find ways to sneak raisins into shit we like.
I like having fraud protection on my credit cards but it’s a little insulting to receive an alert just because I bought name-brand toilet paper.
I dreamt I saw actual proof of a ghost and still didn’t believe in them and woke up realizing I’m the husband who dies halfway through every horror film.
Single: “Looking for sex”
In a relationship: “Having sex”
Married: “Not having sex”
It’s complicated: “Not having sex but my partner is”