Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
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If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT