Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
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So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.