You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
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You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Wait a minute
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*