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Page of stevevsninjas's best tweets

@stevevsninjas : Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.

@stevevsninjas: *returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won't come out of this tunnel

@stevevsninjas: [treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we'll just have to find another life raft, Jabby

@stevevsninjas: The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.

@stevevsninjas: [grocery store seized by terrorists]

"Not today", I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin' Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle

@stevevsninjas: [physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]

"Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!"

@stevevsninjas: TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir

@stevevsninjas: Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he'll be back in 2 min 24 seconds