Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
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@stevevsninjas : Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
@stevevsninjas: *returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won't come out of this tunnel
@stevevsninjas: [treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we'll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
@stevevsninjas: The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
@stevevsninjas: Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
@stevevsninjas: [grocery store seized by terrorists]
"Not today", I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin' Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
@stevevsninjas: This anagram machine is out of order.
@stevevsninjas: [physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
"Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!"
@stevevsninjas: TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
@stevevsninjas: Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he'll be back in 2 min 24 seconds