@stevevsninjas: [physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
"Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!"
@stevevsninjas: TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
@stevevsninjas: Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he'll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
@stevevsninjas: [first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can't operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don't want his hands getting cold.
@stevevsninjas: My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
@stevevsninjas: Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
@stevevsninjas: The big phone companies don't want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
@stevevsninjas: customer: i'll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i'll bring you the barbecue, but there's no need for hurtful nicknames
@stevevsninjas: *Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*