Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
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can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.