[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
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Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Alexa: *deep breath*
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.