Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
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just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.