Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
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what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.