*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
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Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.