@stinky_blinders

Why didn’t Harry just grab the horcruxes, fly on the giant eagles to Mordor, and have Yoda destroy them with his phaser???

@stinky_blinders

Me: If you love them, let them go

*releases third child into nearby forest preserve*

@stinky_blinders

[Sitting on park bench with 3 loaves of bread, surrounded by ducks]

Stranger: You really shouldn’t feed them bread

Me: Oh it’s not for them *eats another loaf*

@stinky_blinders

My coworker read some fake Facebook thing saying vitamin C is the cure for the virus. He’s been drinking 3 large glasses of milk per day for the last 9 days. I haven’t had the heart to tell him orange juice is the one with vitamin C

@stinky_blinders

Doctor: It turns out, you have a very rare disease

Me: Oh no

Dr: But I’ve discovered the Cure

Me: Really?!?

Dr: Yes, they’re a rock band from the 80’s and 90’s, you should give them a listen with what little time you have left

@stinky_blinders

Pizza: *comes out of oven at 450 degrees*

My brain: I bet this time I can immediately put some in my mouth without any repercussions

@stinky_blinders

It’s been 3 years and my golden retriever has yet to retrieve any gold at all. 0 stars.