[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
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Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
I’m literally crying
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.