What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.