When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
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i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card