Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
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Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Aaaa…CHOO!
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans