[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
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An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?