When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
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Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them