Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
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I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
dream blunt rotation
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer