My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
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Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.