Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
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Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.