Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
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person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff