Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
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I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”