@sucittaM

If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.

@sucittaM

When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.

@sucittaM

Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.

@sucittaM

Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.

@sucittaM

You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.

@sucittaM

I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.

@sucittaM

Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.

@sucittaM

Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.

@sucittaM

If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.

@sucittaM

Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.