*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
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i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Goat cheese is for herders.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”