@suecorvette

me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point

waitress: oh thank god!

@suecorvette

me: can we go to the steakhouse?

him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous

@suecorvette

interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words

me: mathematically challenged

@suecorvette

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: disappointing people

professor x: I was expecting a much better answer

me: see?

@suecorvette

detective: take him away boys

video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED

YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly

@suecorvette

homeless guy: change?

me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….

@suecorvette

employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress

me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]

@suecorvette

me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body

clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave

@suecorvette

me: I feel your pain

french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread