waiter: bread for the table?

me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)


me: one big skeleton please

clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s

me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please


me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?

him: chainsaw

me: then Chain needs to tell


him: damn girl you’re hot

me (menopausal): I know. it sucks


Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010

My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.

Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.


Cell mate: What you are in for?

Me: foraging

Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?

Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?


trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs


why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?