waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
me: then Chain needs to tell
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?