@suecorvette

*at the vet*

me: my new cat won’t stop hissing

vet: ma’am this is a cockroach

me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off

@suecorvette

me: that guy is half drunk

Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him

@suecorvette

me: if you love someone set them free

boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners

me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad

@suecorvette

what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?

@suecorvette

me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby

him: mom I’m 35 years old

@suecorvette

doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!

nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet

@suecorvette

no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball

@suecorvette

In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums