cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.