A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread