me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point

waitress: oh thank god!


me: can we go to the steakhouse?

him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous


interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words

me: mathematically challenged


professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: disappointing people

professor x: I was expecting a much better answer

me: see?


detective: take him away boys

video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED

YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly


homeless guy: change?

me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….


employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress

me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]


me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body

clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave


me: I feel your pain

french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread