Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
You Might Also Like
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.