I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
You Might Also Like
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]