Funny Tweeter

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Page of sugarwits's best tweets

@sugarwits : Me: What did you do at school today?

4yo: Nothing

M: You must have done something.

4: I don't remember.


M: Goodnight.

4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*

@sugarwits: Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.

Me: Because of all the sugar?

D: No, because of all the champagne.

@sugarwits: When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.

@sugarwits: Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!

Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?

Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!

@sugarwits: My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.

@sugarwits: Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates

@sugarwits: Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you'll never have to share your food again.