I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
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I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry