HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
You Might Also Like
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
the prophecy has been fulfilled
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie