My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
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Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready