“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
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“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.