Friend in Austin was at a bar and saw this.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”