Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
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*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid