Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
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Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”