NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
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I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.